I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There r osticjed everywhere
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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