Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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