i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
