we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
