Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
