Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
