i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
