I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
