I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
