im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
