he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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