theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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