and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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