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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
