the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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