i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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