Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
