where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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