I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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