Ambien. No doubt about it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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