remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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