i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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