Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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