Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
