You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
