You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize