is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
