Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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