I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
