Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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