there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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