My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
