so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
