I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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