it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
