ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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