So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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