I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
