i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
