My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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