I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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