He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
