Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
