i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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