the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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