you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
