New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
