I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if you like me you must not know who I am
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
