Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
