good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
